Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The evening my wife gave her co-worker a blowjob...

she asked me to fetch her a razor while she was in the shower so that she could shave her pubic hair prior to going over to his house. The month was September, 2005. At first I didn't think twice about it, so I went and retrieved the item she needed to pretty herself up but then I realized where she said she was going and knowing from living with her that she hardly ever shaves even her armpit hair (something which I don't mind at all) I began to express concern to her about her intentions with her visit that evening...

Now seeing that this is my first blog entry, I feel that a little backstory is in order to make it understandable why I feel such deep injustice at the hands of this woman who maintains that she made no immoral decision while opening her mouth on that fateful September night. I'll try and keep this as brief as possible although the whole point of me making a public blog about this is to try and provide some relief from the daily tortures I am subject to and my overwhelming need for affirmation that I am indeed treated unjustly as she maintains that the opposite is true. So here it is:

My wife and I agreed almost a year before this that we needed to get a divorce.We disagreed over whether or not we should sell the home. She wanted to keep it and I wanted to sell it. I didn't want to have to pay for a lawyer to force the sale of the home so I decided to ride it out, hoping that she would realize the lunacy of her belief that a divorce judge would agree with her that she was entitled to the property, regardless of the fact that at that point almost all of the money paid out to the home, including the entire down payment, came from my money. I gave her a 90-day warning that I would cease contributing money for the payment of a home that needed to be sold, as we both agreed to get divorced, and after those 90 days I did indeed cease. At this point she took out a 2nd on the home so that she could use the loan money to continue to make the house payment without my financial support, still adamant in her refusal to sell the home.

An important item to include here is the fact that I haven't held a job since January 2004 (almost 2 years). The bulk of her claims of injustice stem from this so I want to be forthcoming about it so that everything is out on the table. I was a senior manager at a fortune 500 company with 5 years of tenure when in December 2003 I was notified of my employers decision to relocate my position from Los Angeles to Atlanta. Not much caring for a city that is ok with describing locations as being at "the intersection of Peachtree & Peachtree" without a hint of irony, and having spent several weeks of zero-degree winters there while working for this company, I told them that I would take option B, the severance package. The severance package was pretty sweet - because of my tenure I made out with almost $40k just for walking away, and at the time the company stock was at a 52-week high and I had several thousand shares which had just vested and was able to cash those out. All of this money I deposited into a joint account I shared with my wife and it was used to cover our living expenses while I remained out of work, which has lasted much longer than expected, partly because of the slow emotional decay my marriage had on me and also partly because I had lost interest in corporate employment and began to devote myself to working on art which I did out of my home studio while unemployed. She has continued to work a part-time position at a local banking institution with an annual salary just over 20k annually. My point being that over the last 2 years I've still contributed more money into the shared accounts than she has, its just that my contributions were in lumps at the beginning of this period.

The reason that all this is important is that one of the conditions I had during this time is that so long as we are both living in the same house, which she was insisting on by not agreeing to sign the real estate documents enabling the sale of the home, that it was particularly important to me that out of respect for the emotional damage that can accompany the understanding that the woman or man you once loved, or in my case at least, still do love (even though I understand that divorce is the only solution) has shared sexual intimacy with someone other than they that share the same home that we agree not to engage in such activity prior to 'really' separating by living in different places. Knowing that sexual intimacy is occuring with this flesh that just sauntered by before you and you have no claims to it ruins me. I struggle much over this one, and I don't pretend to understand sexual jealousy in the least, but I respect it a great deal as I am rendered a lump of sobbing flesh for days on end by its agonizing gravitational pull, so my experience tells me it's real and it should be respected.

That night I begged that it be respected. "Please just tell me that you won't do anything with him," I cried on the sofa prior to her leaving. I was quite a site. "Please tell me that you won't do that, we need to be living in separate places, you don't understand how this will affect me." There was a good 15 minutes while she was getting dressed to go 'hang out' with her work friend where I could barely get the words out of my mouth, tears and gasps and uncontrollable gesticulation was the most I could muster. The words i did get out barely impacted her at all, she clearly viewed my outcry as an irritation and I still hate her for that. She told me that she had no specific plans to 'do anything' with this person, but that she didn't want to 'feel controlled' by me so she couldn't tell me that she would avoid anything in particular and that she felt sexually attracted to him so she couldn't rule out the possibility. I brought up the agreement that we made about being sexually intimate with others while still sharing a home and she claimed that my lack of 'helping out' financially voided that agreement and was no longer bound by its terms.

That night while I was still sitting on the couch sobbing my wife was intimate with a co-worker who she's never loved. When she returned at 7am the following morning, I begged her to tell me if anything had happened. She said that nothing had happened. I knew she was lying. 2 months later she confirmed the awful truth. She claimed to also have an apology for me, she was 'sorry I felt this way'. Those are her real words, words so cold and detached that it's detestable in this situation that anyone could feel ok uttering them... the kind of unaccountable apology I could hear her telling one of her customers on the banks customer service line.

1 Comments:

Blogger kono said...

Please make sure you keep track of ALL activity, good and bad, and I WILL NEVER CHECK NOR ACKNOWLEDGE THIS OUTSIDE OF TODAY. I'm guessing you were very careful to mask your horrible selfishness, indulgence and extremely unfair activity. I don't mind this at all and I am a little embarrassed for you at your need to portray me as horrible. Go ahead, I'll readily admit to all my actions. There is nothing I'm attempting to hide. If people judge me, it is on them. I honestly feel sorry for you as somehow you have convinced yourself that my actions justify yours, therefore you are not responsible for anything you do. Hopefully, one day, you will open your eyes and see that jealousy, resentment, anger, it's all internal. It saddens me that you are incapable of looking to yourself for answers. I love you, but I cannot help you. I thought that by being honest with you, you would learn how to make honest requests, communicate and compromise. You were the one asking for separation, you made it clear you didn't want to have anything to do with me, you refused to leave the household that I am solely supporting. I told you, in all honesty, that I was unsure of what would happen and I did not rule out possibilities, but I would try to factor in your request, even though I stated I believed it to be an unfair one. You turned your back on me 2 years ago. I begged, pleaded and screamed for your help. You ignored me. I had/have no obligation to you outside of the fact that I care about you. If I made a decision to put myself first-a rare occurrence-you should find a way to understand it. I did nothing to hurt you, I made a decision to stop looking at our relationship as a false comfort I had created, and accept that you were not just threatening me with your request to separate. You meant it. For me, what I did was brave, liberating and whether you can understand it or not, was good for both of us. Your strange sexual relationship with regards to me is not healthy. You should really explore that when you can. I am not a little girl, and you are not a sicko who has the sole privilege of degrading me. Sorry, it's just not something I can participate in any longer.

I did not read your post, the header was enough for me. I hope, for your sake, you were decent enough to leave out names other than mine as it is really not your privilege to make decisions that involve people/families that you know nothing about outside of what I, in confidence, share with you. If you DID include names, I request that out of decency you remove them. It was my mistake to trust you and I confided in you because I thought you deserved it and I wanted you to know (you know I don't like hiding things and I’m not good at it, it eats away at me).

One last thing, please do not be a coward and delete this comment. Be able to stand behind your actions honestly, it is the quickest way you'll learn, and really that's what we all want/need whether we realize it yet or not.

Your friend, still
-l

1:54 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home